Lowered expectations

Mexico, 2018

I have a relatively new philosophy for life: Lowered expectations. 

I have spent years — most of my life in fact — looking for happiness. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Look for things that make us happy? And how often do we actually find happiness?

I realized a number of years ago, that happiness is not something that happens to you. No one else can make you happy. Happiness is internal. Only you can determine if you are happy or not.

My husband asked me probably 1 million times if I was happy and what he could do to make me happy. I always would say the same thing: You can’t make me happy. Sure, he could do things to try and bring me happiness, but it was up to me to determine if I was happy. And I couldn’t just make myself happy. 

And through all those years, I realized I wasn’t happy. Yes, there were many moments when I was enjoying myself, when I was around people that I liked, when I was doing fun things, when I was feeling good. But it didn’t necessarily make me happy.

When you realize you’re not happy, then you begin to wonder what’s wrong with you. Because of course, we all are expected to be happy, to find happiness, to make others happy.

In my case, I chose — although it wasn’t necessarily a conscious choice — to become numb —to get through the days, to do what needed to be done, but not really think about how I was feeling. You can go for years like this.

You can put on a happy face, and you can show people what they want to see. But it doesn’t make you “happy.”

You do get glimmers though. There are moments of joy and excitement that make you feel good. But sometimes it also makes you think about what you’re missing — happiness. And that can just make you sad.

When I think about the times when I would say I was “happy,” it would be when I was traveling. When you go to a new place, you have new experiences, you meet new people, you eat new foods, there’s a new language, new things to see, new things to do. It’s all very exciting. There’s so much going on, you don’t really think about how you’re feeling other than you’re excited to be there. You are trying to take it all in and experience all of it and hold it all in your memories.

The other times that I would consider myself “happy,” were when I was doing a play. Again your brain is completely engulfed in it. You’re learning lines or working on blocking or trying to develop a character. You put so much of yourself into it to make it real and believable, that it’s easy to forget who you really are — at least for a couple of hours a night for eight weeks or so. It was a chance for me to not think about work, or the kids, or paying bills, or anything else going on in my life.

You can’t do shows all the time though. They wear you out. It takes a lot of work and brainpower.

And you can’t travel all the time, either. You have to go to work, live your life, plan your vacations and have money to be able to do it.

So instead, I have decided to live where I want to travel and travel to where I want to live. It makes sense if you think about it, trust me.

I know it won’t bring me happiness. Wherever you go, there you are. I will still be me, but I hope I’ll be able to figure out more of who I actually am, and not who I’ve been for the past several decades.

But until I can go to Portugal, I decided that I needed to change my way of thinking about happiness. Rather than feeling down about the fact that I don’t always feel happy, couldn’t I lower my expectations instead? Why not aim to feel good? After all, I can be sad and still feel good.

For example, on a recent day when it finally was warm enough, I used my lunch break to take a walk by the river. The sun was shining, glinting on the water; the trees were stark against the blue sky. The breeze was cool, but the promise of spring was in the air. It was beautiful. I was sad because of the choices I was making, but I felt good being outside, walking and enjoying the moment. 

So, I am lowering my expectations. I want to feel good and spend time with people I like. I don’t need the high expectations of love and happiness. My new philosophy suits me just fine.