Bravado

I don't feel brave. Most of the time I feel pretty pathetic. I question myself constantly as to what I'm doing and why.

But I feel compelled to do it. It's like I have no choice.

I wish I could get back to the feeling that I had when I graduated from high school. I remember sitting through graduation, at the end of the row, the girl next to me bawled the entire time. She was somewhat of a sporto, and I didn't know her super well. But I had a big shit-eating grin on my face. 

"Aren't you sad?" she asked. 

"No," I answered. "I'm getting out of here, and I'm never coming back."

Later, I learned to never say never. 

I spent nearly 30 years back in Rapids, a stone's throw from Nekoosa, where I went to school. 

I was so happy to be going. 

I was so naive. 

Now I have a second chance. And I'm terrified. 

What if I fail? What if I'm miserable? What if I can't do it?

 I'm in such a sweet spot, and yet the ensuing years have taken their toll. I can't just look at it as a good thing. I've had too many years of too much negative stuff. 

I think that's why I keep telling people about it. The more who know my plans, the more compelled I am to complete them successfully. Even more devastating than personal failure is public failure. I simply can't fall apart, because too many people are watching. 

So even though I don't feel brave or even slightly capable, I have no choice. I have to go.