Delusions

How can you be so deluded?

That's the formal you. What I mean to say is, how could I be so deluded?

I really believed I was in love. I really believed I married the right man. I really believed that's how it was supposed to be. 

I was wrong. 

Of course, it's easier to look back with different eyes. When you're in it, you're in it. You live it every day. You don't question. At least I didn't. I just accepted that it was my life. 

I didn't really focus on regrets. They would come up sometimes. Truthfully, probably more often more recently. (I'm not sure how long this was coming.)

Usually my big regret was not leaving Wisconsin. Why didn't we go before we had kids? Got married? Before we were tied here?

I knew then I wouldn't go without him. And I didn't think he really wanted to go. I thought we were a team, a couple, pulling in the same direction. I felt if I pulled too hard to leave, he'd think I wanted to leave him. 

Oh what a tangled web we weave. 

I wasn't trying to deceive him, though. I was deceiving myself. I really believed. But it wasn't true. And it took me decades to see it or look for it or admit it or whatever. 

What does that say about me? 

Am I still that self delusional?

I don't think I am, but I didn't think I was then, either. 

I guess only time will tell. I do hope if I'm wrong again, I don't take 30 years to change course.