Discovering myself

One of my more recent self-discoveries is this:

If you never have enough, and then you have nothing, do you have enough?

I think that sums up why I was willing to sell, give away or throw out basically everything I own.

For years I felt like I didn't have enough. I didn't have enough money to do the renovations to the house that I wanted. I didn't have enough money to travel like I wanted. I didn't have enough money to buy the kids the stuff that I wanted to. Every year was a struggle at Christmas. Every birthday. Every day.

So, apparently, after years of feeling this way, I finally decided to, subconsciously anyway, try the other direction.

I love the backpack my
sister gave me last Christmas.

It's very freeing having very little that you own. You aren't responsible for a lot. You don't need to keep track of it. You don't have to worry about it getting lost, stolen or broken. You can replace what you need to, and you get rid of what you don't want or need.

I suspect there is some mental health issues buried in here as well. I'm not sure what the opposite of hoarding is, but that's me. I can't walk into a store like Walgreens, let alone Walmart, without feeling rising anxiety. I see all the stuff that I know people will just buy and put in their houses, and it makes me antsy. I get a physical reaction just thinking about it.

I am way past minimalism. I only operate on functionalism, because I live in a house that offers me dishes, a refrigerator and a bed.

I've been studying this recent self discovery a bit more. Mulling it over. Thinking about how it might impact the rest of my life.

And I had another realization. It's not just about stuff. It may be about people and relationships, too.

Subconsciously, am I choosing Portugal, where I don't know a soul, as a way to have nothing and no one left in my life — literally?

If so, will I have enough? Will I be enough for me? 

Do I need this break to find out who I really am? I'll be starting from nothing. I guess I'll find out if it's enough.